Not To Be Forgiven
by lifesaver55
Summary: Faith was so wrong to say the things she did in Lights Up. So here's my view on the apoligy.Also in my world Fred is always dead. Makes things less messy.
1. Useless

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
Notes: Okay so I watched the season permire and it was just wrong. I felt so bad for Bosco and you and I know they will make up but here's my version of they way the apoligy should go and you know in my world Fred is always dead.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
She looks at me. I know what she's thinking and for some odd reason I want to forgive her but then again I can't bring myself to say the words. She spent the last five minutes begging me to forgive the awful, hurtful words she said yesterday but I can't. She is the one thing in the world I couln't bare to lose but I have to tell her. I need her to know the pain I'm feeling. I look at her and see the fear in her eyes. The fear I will never again be the friend she needs me to be. Why should I. I'm usless right.  
  
"Bosco..."  
  
"Go home Faith. I can't deal with this shit now." I try to close the door but she stops me.  
  
"I was hurting Bosco. I was upset."  
  
"And I wasn't. I couldn't find you for twelve god damn hours Faith. " I turn around and go into the apartment and try to make some sence of the way I feel.  
  
"My husband..."  
  
"Yeah I know Faith. He's dead. And I'm sorry for that. But I can't change that. I have feelings and you know what? I thought I actually loved you." I cringe. Damn I didn't want to tell her that. Not now. Maybe not ever. "I know I'm being selfish. I know that you loved Fred. But Faith the things you said. I can't just forgive you. Your the one person in the world I thought I had in my corner. God how could I have been so wrong."  
  
"You love me?" She looked at me and tears flowed down her cheeks.  
  
"I needed you yesterday just as much as you needed me. I was there, where the hell were you?"  
  
"Bosco we were both wrong. Yes you were there for me and I said things that I didn't mean. We need to get past this. I can't do it without you. I can't be me without you." I look at her with surprise. Did she just say she needed me. "I'll always be in your corner. I let anger get in the way of what I've always know Bos. That you're in mine too." She comes up behind me and puts her arms around me. I turn and lay her head on my shoulder. God how can I not forgive her. How can I live without her in my life.  
  
"Faith....I swear I'm not useless. I can be there for you just like your always there for me." Tears fell down my cheeks. "It hurt so much."  
  
"I'm so sorry Bosco. I can never tell you how sorry I am. God forgive me." I knew God would but as for me I still wasn't sure. My heart was broken. My pride briused. My best friend's hurtful words had made me feel empty and for the first time since meeting Faith I felt alone. Utterly alone and it scared me. Now was not the time to tell her it's over. Fred was gone and she needs me for awhile. When she was done grieving I will walk away. Maybe then she would realize how much her words had hurt. 


	2. Another Day To Grieve

Disclaimer: I don't own anythigng  
  
Notes: I know Fred didn't die but in my world he does. I'm horrible that way  
  
*******************************************  
  
  
  
The day was dragging on. Davis won't shut up about what ever it is he's talking about and I have a head ache the size of the Booklyn brige. I need to stop and get somthing to drink and a handful of asprine before my head explodes.  
  
"Davis can you just stop talking for like five minutes." I didn't mean to snap at him but damn he's going on about the shit with the black out. I want to forget that day ever happened but I can't because tomorrow Faith will bury her husband. I can't forget that day. Not now not ever. It was a day that I lost my best friend. Tomorrow it will be all over. I asked the Capitain for a trasfer to over nights. I can't see her every day it's killing me.  
  
"Are you okay man?" Davis asks me.  
  
"No. I need an asprine and a nap. Other then that." I look at Davis and wonder if him and Sully ever fight. But I guess that's different. Davis was Sully's ex partners kid so its more a father son thing then a partner thing.  
  
"You going to Faith's husband's funeral?"  
  
"Yeah. The kids wanted me there." Emily had sobbed in my arms that day. I had gone back to the hospital to see if they needed anything and I found out Fred was gone. I held the little girl tight. Only she wasn't a little girl anymore. She was almost grown up. With her mom's eyes and the attitude to go with them. I watched Faith cry over his body holding Charlie. She didn't deserve to loose her husband but did that give her the right to make him feel small and...well useless.  
  
"Bosco are you sure your okay man. You look pale?"  
  
"Has Sully ever pissed you off so much you just want to...." I just couldn't find the word I was looking for.  
  
"Knock him off his high horse?" I smile.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Only every other day. But we get over it. You and Faith fighting again?"  
  
"Not really. She just...well you know."  
  
"Yeah I've been there. Loosing my dad and all. How are the kids dealing."  
  
"Emily's not doing so hot. She was daddy's girl. Charlie is kinda not understanding." I really don't want to talk about this but maybe it's a good thing. Davis wouldn't judge. He's not like that.  
  
"It will take a long time for things to go back to nomal. Death has a funny way of shaking things up." He looked at me. "Give her time Bosco. She's hurting more then you'll ever know."  
  
"I know." Did he know what she had said. Had someone overhear her that night?  
  
"Be there for her Bos. Your like her best friend. I know it's hard seeing the tough woman you work with everyday feeling the way she does but she just lost the only man she loved for like fifteen years. The father of her children." Davis was right. Maybe I could forgive her now. Maybe in my heart I knew that she didn't mean it but damn it hurt. Deep down. I would have a scare for a long time. I will always feel like I can't be good enough for her. I pull into a c-store to get a soda and something for my head.  
  
"You coming?" I ask Davis.  
  
"Just grab me a water will ya?" He hands me a couple of bucks. I walk towards the door. If my head wasn't hurting and I wasn't feeling sorry for myself I might of noticed the kid behind the counter shaking and the gun aimed at my chest.  
  
"Shit." The shot echoed though my ears as I dove behind a display of Ho Ho's. I grab my radio and call for help. Praying that I get my ass out of here in one peice so I can get my head out of it. 


	3. A Reason To Live

Disclaimer" I own Nothing  
  
Notes: Guess this got more complecated then I thought. But hey. Again in my world Fred is always dead. If you don't like it don't read any further.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
  
  
I can hear Ty calling for me but I can't reach my radio. God how stupid was that. I walk in on an armed robbery. I'm usally more fine tuned to the things around me. Shit what the hell I'm I going to do. I don't even know how may of them there are. One could be coming up behind me and I can't seem to move. I guess I'll try to bluff my way out of this like I do so many other things in my life.  
  
"Hey in like thirty seconds this whole place will be crawling with back up. Give up now and they may go easy on you man. I mean you havn't killed anyone right." I hopped I sounded convincing to him because to my ears it sounded lame. Hell I can't move. I know I landed hard on my radio. I hope he's just that dumb enought to believe me. I hear his gun fall to the ground. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ty come in and pick up the gun.  
  
"Bosco? You okay man?"  
  
"No." I tell him. Trying to get up I slide back to the floor in a pile of HoHo's. "I can't move."  
  
"I'm calling for a bus."  
  
"Don't tell them it's for me. I don't want to cause a rush. I'm...."  
  
"Dispatch I need a bus at my location. ASAP."  
  
"Tell Faith..."  
  
"Bosco tell her yourself. I'll call her as soon as we get to the hospital."  
  
"No she's got enough problems...." I feel light headed. The pain is building. "Just tell her I'm sorry...." I give into the pain. I close my eyes and just let go.  
  
"Bosco!"  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
I feel like my head is floating. Damn I must of hit my head harder then I thought. I open my eyes and I feel like....I never felt before.  
  
"Hey little man." The voice came from nowhere. It was a voice I shouldn't be hearing. It was Fred Yokas and he was dead. I see his face.  
  
"What the hell..."  
  
"Not hell my friend. But not heaven either." Fred sat next to me.  
  
"Then where?"  
  
"You still got a chance to live Bosco."  
  
"You mean I'm......."  
  
"Almost. But you need to go back."  
  
"Why should you care if I live or die?"  
  
"Bosco think about it. Your not my first choice for taking care of my family but your the only one who can."  
  
"She hates me Fred. Hell she called me useless."  
  
"I was dying Boscrelli. She was upset. You know Faith as well as I do. She just needed to vent and you were the first one she ran into. Let it go. She's your friend and I know you care about her or you wouldn't of came looking for us that night. You need to get back before it's to late. Do it for Faith. Do it for Emily and Charlie." I saw tears in his eyes. "I many never have liked you Boscorelli but I know you'll protect my family with everything you have." He stood up and I started to follow. "Stay. You need to go back. Take care of my family little man. I'm counting on you." I watched him go. He was intrusting me to take care of his family. How could I deny a dead mans request.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
"We got him back." Alex Taylor's voice echo's though my ears. "Damn it Bosco you can't make anyting easy can you?" She smiles down at me. I guess I need to stick around a little while longer and make sure Faith will make it though. She's my best friend. Friends should be able to work things out. I just want to tell her I'm sorry. And that I can change. I don't want to be useless anymore. 


End file.
